Curb Appeal Killers: 7 Things Your HOA Wishes You Wouldn't Put Out Front
By Ken Lain, the mountain gardener
This week's column may be a bit hurtful to some, but your neighbors have been begging me to write this one. They are whispering behind your back about your yard decorations. You may have one of these relics lurking in your landscaping, doing nothing to help your home's curb appeal. Look at this list to see if your yard attracts the wrong kind of attention.
Pink Plastic Flamingos are the unofficial mascot of lawns desperately yearning for a touch of sunshine. Bless those poor souls who believe a flock of plastic birds can transform their arid Arizona landscape into a tropical oasis. It's like convincing yourself that tumbleweeds are palm trees and cacti are pineapples. But hey, who are we to judge? They may be trying to give the local roadrunners a good laugh.
Concrete Geese with Outfits - Bless those souls who meticulously dress their concrete geese for every occasion. A sun hat and sunglasses for summer, a knitted scarf for winter, perhaps even a tiny graduation cap in May. It's a level of commitment to lawn decor that's both admirable and...well, slightly concerning. But hey, who are we to judge? Those geese are trying to keep up with the Joneses' flamingos.
Fake Deer - While a graceful deer prancing through your yard can be magical, a pair of stiff, plastic, frozen mid-graze is less enchanting. It's like those poor creatures wandered into a lawn ornament store and got stuck in a perpetual state of "Oh dear, what have I gotten myself into?" Perhaps the homeowner is trying to warn off natural deer with a "See? We already have deer here. Move along."
Fake Wishing Wells - While some dream of a backyard oasis, others seem content with turning their front yards into miniature theme parks. Ah, the fake wishing well is a testament to suburban creativity and the eternal quest for...well, I'm not sure what. Is the homeowner hoping for a magical influx of landscaping funds? Or are they trying to create a diversion so no one notices the pink flamingos?
Leaning Cowboys - While a lone cowboy leaning against a saloon might fit in the back alleys of Whiskey Row, a rusty metal silhouette propped up against a garage is jarring. It could be a desperate attempt to inject some Wild West charm into a suburban cul-de-sac, or perhaps the homeowner is just trying to give those plastic flamingos some company. Either way, it's a look that screams, "Howdy, stranger! Welcome to my quirky desert abode."
Lawn Jockeys - while lawn jockeys may have once been considered a symbol of Southern hospitality, their presence now evokes a cringe rather than a welcome. It's like inviting guests to your home and then greeting them with a minstrel show. Perhaps the homeowner is trying to create a Kentucky Derby-themed landscape, complete with plastic flamingos as stand-ins for thoroughbreds. It's a bold choice, to say the least.
Fake Flowers in the garden are like a bad toupee: they might fool you in the mirror, but everyone else is cringing. It's a desperate attempt to achieve a perpetually blooming landscape without effort, like those folks relying on plastic flamingos for their wildlife fix. But hey, at least the sun-fade blue petals add that "desert chic" touch to the ensemble, right?
Garden Gnome, that pointy-hatted purveyor of kitsch, forever frozen in a state of perpetual cheerfulness. These little fellas might be the unofficial mascots of questionable taste in landscaping. Still, they're not alone in their quest to clutter up pristine yards. Gazing balls, religious statues, and wooden cutouts of ladies bending over in polka-dotted bloomers...it's a veritable smorgasbord of yard art gone wrong. Those homeowners may try to outdo their neighbors' plastic flamingos in the tackiness department.
Yard art, like any trend, has a shelf life. Sun-bleached colors, cracked paint, and chipped figurines scream "dated" faster than you can say "lawn jockey." If your yard decorations are starting to show their age, it might be time for a refresh. With so many stylish and modern options available, why settle for cracked concrete geese when you could have a sleek sculpture or a vibrant water feature? Don't let your yard be the neighborhood eyesore, stuck in a time warp of tacky trends. Elevate your outdoor space with a tasteful update, and leave the pink flamingos to the kitsch collectors.
Plant of the Week - I'm eager to plant a Balboa Sunset Trumpet Vine for its perfect combination of beauty and function. Vibrant blooms flower repeatedly through Autumn, transforming any fence into a living work of art while attracting a flurry of hummingbirds. It's a hardy vine that thrives in our hot Arizona summers, adding a splash of color to the landscape even when other plants struggle. Its fast-growing nature ensures a lush, green screen in no time, providing privacy and shade. The Balboa Sunset Trumpet Vine is a low-maintenance way to add charm and practicality to my garden.
Insider Tip - Trumpet Vines is a stunning ground cover between bolder and down slopes.
Free Garden Classes on Saturdays
July 27 @ 9:30 am – Top 10 Trees for Fresh Fruit
The strongest fruit trees are shared in this class with the insider tips that produce bushels of apples, pears, cherry, apricot, plum, peaches and more. Special focus on cocktail trees and how to plant for success.
August 3 @ 9:30 am –Successful Planting for BIG Trees
Privacy, shade, evergreen and blooms. We cover trees for every situation, especially small gardens and trees for difficult sites. Free tree planting guide to students after this class.
August 10 @ 9:30 am - Growing a Beautiful Garden Pest Free
Students learn best practices against javelina and pack rats, then quickly move to solutions for grasshoppers and tomato worms. You'll have the tools needed to grow a beautiful garden.
Until next week, I'll be helping gardeners class up their front yards with new fountains and statues at Watters Garden Center.
